User blog:Aniju Aura/Art Gallery

I'll put pictures here of stuff and things.

Note to Dad
Update Friends Meerkat Project groups, name some pups. So like Cal hurt me in a rather sensitive place, one of my insecurities. And that is like my mental state. I feel so broken and defective like my brain isn't right and I can see that but I hoped others wouldn't. But I've been thinking and I realized what he calls "Obsessive and creepy" is really just my brain trying to function. Like my therapist said we do what we want others to do for us, so my constant messages and seeking interaction is me trying to make sure people check up on me, because no one ever does. And I live a life of uncurtainity and need constant reasurance, clarafication and validation because I feel like no one really cares about me. My brain looks for these patterns, evidence that no one actually does, so I have to make an effort to like see the evidence that disprove what my brain is telling me, so I hang on to all the messages, the pictures and whatnot to remind myself. This no responing back is to my brain proof that you don't care, but like I know you do. Cal said so, you said so, but brain doesn't believe it. So I go and look back and the little doodles you have made for me and they make me happy, but without the interaction, my brain fears those will never happy again.

So aaaaaahhhh brain being stupid. I need someone to tell me things will be okay beause I don't believe myself. That's stupid but it's a thing I do. I don't know why though. I second guess and doubt myself a lot. Kind of always been that way. Hmmm so I have been trying to prove to myself that the things in my head are wrong and lately it be super difficult to do so. There's been times when things are happening, body is hurting or something and I want to like message ya, and I sit there with it on my phone but I don't send them. Because like can I when the bad things are happening? I have no one else to message. I end up just rolling over and laying on the floor because I can't curl up.

I had to give up so many things that once made me happy. You were one of them. I recked my body doing another that I have been doing for years but I have to stop becuase my body can't take it anymore. Life would be better if I could still do this but fine, I don't have to be happy. Not your fault, this I did to myself. I'm scared Da. There's been times when my limbs go numb and my back hurts and I get headaches. Like am I gonna get up paralized or like what? Is this gonna be forever because I don't think I could handle that. Like I get better but then something happens that ruins it, or something new pops up. Maybe I am just dying. Feels like it. That would suck because I never get to read the comic you said you might make. That for some reason makes me so sad. Not sure why that is the thing that makes me the saddest but it is. Brain is dumb I guess.

Meh ya know I was like this with Morgan too. But Morgan embraced it a lot better. My relationship with Morgan I think is how you would like it, but like the thing is... Okay so Morgan let me in and answered all my questions about whatever I asked and it was great. And when I began to freak out, Morgan told me to only message them when I had something to tell them. And like that took a lot of weight off my shoulders. At first I messaged them every few days and eventually it faded to maybe once a week to every two weeks or so. And like I am okay with that because there is no obligation and no set day. Just when stuff happens. There was no uncurtainty with Morgan. And thing everything went wrong from the start with you and me, because what happened? Well the nervesness and disappearance after a not so pleasent conversation left me worried that I fucked up and lost ya forever, but I hung on because my brain will do that. Hang on to things. I'm clingy I know that. But then ya came back and there was hope but whatever void was left was never filled.

Best way to explain it is, there was this study done on some group of puppies. First group the humans interacted with them and played with them and the puppies had constand human interaction. Those puppies grew up to become rather normal dogs. The second group had very litter interaction with the humans. Just small things so those puppies grew to like be indepandant and rather indifferent to the humans when they were adults. The third group had some interaction while at other times none. When they went to play with the humans they sometimes got rejected. This made the third group lived in an uncurtain world where they didn't know if they were gonna get loved or not, so they became rather clingy and dependant on the humans. I'm like the third group of puppies but with like everything.

This obsessive behavior or whatever is just being showing my affection, because if no one is gonna do it for me then I will do it for them. It just what I do.

Fuck what the point.